PART 1; BRING IT UP
If something bothers you and you want the relationship to stay healthy, you must bring it up, kindly, directly and in a timely way.
WHY DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS MATTER
It is basic human nature to want closeness or connection, yet we avoid conversations that help create it. This can show up in any ongoing relationship and the connection you seek may be about feeling valued or visible.
Silence is still a choice and shapes the relationship just as much as speaking up. The emotional cost of unspoken concerns leads to resentment, assumptions and distance.
Stephen Karpman’s work on communication and relational dynamics highlights a core message; if something bothers you and you want the relationship to stay healthy, you must bring it up, kindly, directly and in a healthy way.
WHY MIGHT WE AVOID BRINGING THINGS UP?
It is not easy bringing up issues and needs with other people, even when those issues are important to us. This avoidance is rarely about the issue itself and more about the role a person fears they may fall into.
A) We fear being blamed, dismissed or overwhelmed.
Example from a recent Mediation; One individual had been struggling with unclear instructions from their manager, who had previously responded that it was ‘not that complicated’, leaving them feeling incompetent and anxious about raising it again.
B) We may worry about being seen as critical or confrontational
Example from the same Mediation; the Manager explained that they often hesitated to approach their team member because they didn’t want to be seen as critical. The last time they tried to explain what they needed the team member had become upset , so the manager began avoiding conversations altogether.
C) We may have a desire to ‘keep the peace’
Context from the Mediation; Both individuals were working in a high-pressured environment with constant organisational change. Wanting to avoid tension, the team member started guessing what their manager wanted rather than checking, hoping to maintain harmony, even though it increased mistakes and misunderstandings and lead to tasks taking longer to complete.
There are much deeper emotional drivers at play, such as fear of rejection, loss of connection or conflict escalation that feels unmanageable. Our past experiences can further reinforce the belief that it is safe not to speak up.
THE COST OF NOT BRINGING IT UP
What starts off as a small issue can solidify into a narrative about the other persons character or intentions. Unspoken frustration can be stored up and may eventually surface in indirect ways, such as sarcasm, withdrawal, passive aggressive behaviour, sudden outbursts that seem disproportionate to the situation.
Avoidance of conversations denies understanding. The opportunity to clear up assumptions and adjust thinking or behaviours is missed. Individuals may continue to have thoughts about the other person feeling wronged, blamed or obligated to act in a certain way.
Over time trust erodes and distance grows making it more difficult to restore the relationship to a healthy place.
HOW DOES THE BRING IT UP RULE SUPPORT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS?
- Builds trust though transparency.
People feel more at ease when they know where they stand.
- Prevents indirect communication and unnecessary drama.
Communicating early on and being clear avoids blame, rescuing or silent suffering.
- Strengthens emotional intimacy.
Vulnerability invites connection.
- Encourages shared responsibility.
Both people contribute to the health of the relationship.
- Creates a culture or repair.
Issues become opportunities for understanding and not threats.
- We take ownership of our situation.
Transparency is created over time and differences are normalised rather than feared.
- It prevents emotional build up.
Small irritations are easier to resolve that long standing grievances.
- It signals trust that this relationship can handle honesty.
This belief strengthens psychological safety.
- Open communication allows misunderstandings to be corrected quickly.
It gives the other person the opportunity to respond and explain their perspective.
HOW TO BRING IT UP WELL
- Choose the right moment
Raise the issue when both parties are calm and not under time pressure. Avoid starting important conversations in the heat of frustration. - Focus on behaviour, not character
Describe specific actions rather than making global statements. For example, “When deadlines change at short notice…” rather than “You’re always disorganised.” - Use ownership language
Speak from your experience: “I felt overlooked in that meeting,” rather than “You ignored me.” This reduces defensiveness and keeps you out of blame. - Be clear about what you want
Don’t just highlight the problem, express a constructive request. Clarity creates direction and avoids lingering ambiguity. - Stay curious
Ask open questions: “How did you see it?” or “What was happening from your perspective?” This invites dialogue rather than debate. - Regulate your tone and body language
Calm delivery matters as much as content. Slow your pace, breathe, and maintain steady eye contact. - Listen to understand, not to rebut
Reflect back what you hear before responding. Feeling heard reduces escalation. - Aim for resolution, not victory
The objective is mutual understanding and workable agreements, not proving who is right.
Handled thoughtfully, raising an issue becomes an act of relationship care rather than confrontation.
*Approaching the other person may not always be the best approach, such as situations involving power imbalance, cultural safety and psychological threat.
Know when to seek professional support such as external Mediation.
CONCLUSION
“If you fail to address it, you accept it” Anon.
Look out for Part 2; Talk it Up
And if you need support to bring it up, contact us at contact@humu.org.uk to discuss how Mediation may assist.
